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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24158494">Confessions</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tri42/pseuds/Tri42'>Tri42</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Voyager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Unaltered Endgame Timeline</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:26:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,950</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24158494</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tri42/pseuds/Tri42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Stay. Please. Just for tonight.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ayala/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Confessions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is from the unaltered timeline in endgame. This is also all from Ayala’s point of view. Chakotay and Seven make a BRIEF appearance but are very much together in this story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The view is beautiful here. I’ve been sitting here for the past 30 minutes trying to etch the sunset into my mind. Our resort is a beach front property that has a gorgeous view of the ocean. The Cove we’re settled in has mountains in the backdrop and there’s a haze over the water that the sun hits just right to cast a breathtaking glow of orange and purple.  My holoimager couldn’t do it justice if I tried.  For the 1st time in 10 years, my soul seems at peace.</p><p>The last 3 days have been interesting to say the least. While the Captain and Seven have been in their conference, Chakotay and I have been scoping out the local dives and spending some time rock climbing the cliffs to our East. Tonight is the first night that we all were able to have dinner together since our arrival. We have 1 more day here and then we’re headed back to Voyager to get back on the road. We had finished dinner about an hour ago and made our way down to the beach shortly after to finish off our bottle of what passes for wine here. There were fire pits along the beach and we be been sitting here enjoying the peacefulness. </p><p>We’ve carried on with small talk over the evening, but I can tell there’s quite a bit of tension in the air. Chakotay and I didn’t need to tag along for this conference, but his and Seven’s anniversary was last week. Since they’re still “newlyweds” the Captain extended an offer to him to join them. While I’m fairly certain an extra security officer wasn’t needed, Tuvok asked me to tag along to “help out”. If you ask me, Janeway didn’t want to be the third wheel, and I don’t blame her one bit. This would have been awkward as hell if I hadn’t been here to offset things. </p><p>I needed the fresh air anyways. </p><p>The sun sets late here, and I see Chakotay make a move to stand. </p><p>“I think we’re going to turn in for the evening. We will see you all in the morning.” He announced.</p><p>The Captain nodded in response and wished them a good evening but didn’t get up from her chair. I wave to them good night and continue to prod at the fire to keep it going. By the look on Janeway’s face, I can tell she’s expecting me to go with them. I make eye contact and give her a brief smile.</p><p>After a while she looks at me, and says “Lieutenant, you don’t have to stay up with me, I’m more than capable of walking back to my room.”</p><p>I lock eyes with her. There’s a look on her face that I can’t quite place. I carefully examine her for a few moments.</p><p>“I’ve nowhere to be, ma’am.” I give her a gentle smile and then go back to prodding the fire.</p><p>“How about for this evening, I’m just Kathryn. I hate being called ma’am. And in this moment, Captain feels too professional, and I’ve had one too many to keep the mask on.”</p><p>“Well I can honestly say I’ve never met Kathryn. You seem like you could use some company on this beach. So how about I introduce myself. My name is Mike. And I, too, have had one too many glasses of wine.”</p><p>She giggles softly and looks at me with a twinkle in her eye. </p><p>“It’s nice to meet you Mike.”</p><p>“The pleasure is all mine... Kathryn.”</p><p>“You’re a real charmer Mike.”</p><p>“That’s what I’ve been told.”</p><p>We lock eyes for a few more minutes. There’s something in the the way the firelight is hitting her that i can’t seem to take my eyes away from her. For the past 10 years, I’ve looked at the Captain but I’d never seen Kathryn. And I’m beginning to realize that there’s a whole other side of her that has been locked up for years, and she’s staring me in the face right now. </p><p>We continue to make small talk. I ask about where she’s from, she asks about my family. I tell her about my childhood, and she offers me insight into literature that’s changed her. We compare farming techniques. As we’re talking and learning new things about each other, I can’t help but think that this woman is not who I expected her to be. She soft spoken and funny. Her smile lights up her face and her laugh is throaty and infectious. Before long, my chronometer is showing 0100 hours and she has begun to yawn quite a bit. </p><p>“How about I walk you back to your room, Kathryn? It’s late and I know we have an early<br/>
Morning.”</p><p>“I’m not ready to go to bed yet. Besides if I go back to my room, there’s no way I’ll sleep tonight. Too many....” she trails off and looks away. I catch the flash of pain in her eyes. “You go on if you want, I’m going to sit out here for a bit longer.”</p><p>An internal struggle begins to happen in me. Part of me thinks I should let her be. The flash of pain in her eyes gave me the indication. That she didn’t want to talk about it. Another part of me thought I should just sit here in quiet with her.</p><p>The part that won out was something else entirely. </p><p>“Too many what, Kathryn?” I question.</p><p>She bows her head for a few moments. I sit there just watching her struggle with what to tell me and what not to tell me. When she finally looks up I see a tear trailing down her cheek. She swallows hard.</p><p>“Memories, Mike. Too many memories.” She whispers.</p><p>We had been sitting on the same bench at the fire pit, close enough to touch but never crossing that line. But right now in this moment, it’s all I can do not to grab this woman and hold her. </p><p>“What memories?”</p><p>She shakes her head and closes her eyes. </p><p>“It’s nothing. I just don’t want to be alone in my room. It’s too close and I just can’t tonight. I can’t face tonight in my room. I just want to sit out here for a while longer...” </p><p>“Kathryn you’re not making any sense. Did something happen in your room? Can I help...”</p><p>“I appreciate your concern Lieutenant..” She snaps at me. </p><p>“Oh now I’m a lieutenant again. Well captain I’m not leaving you out here alone. Chakotay will kill me and so will Tuvok if I let anything happen to you.  So either you tell me what’s going on or we will sit here in silence until you’re ready to go back.” </p><p>Her eyes narrow at me and she contemplates her next words.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. This time of year is always really hard for me. And I’ve had too much time to reflect as of late. I just need space right now.”</p><p>“I’m sorry too... Kathryn. I’m not ready to go back either, and you look like you could use someone to talk to. I’m a really good listener, and if needed an even better hugger.”</p><p>She cautiously contemplated the offer I’ve given her.</p><p>“Nothing you tell me will go beyond this beach or the two of us, Kathryn. Let me comfort you just for tonight.”</p><p>“You don’t want that job. I’m 3/3 with those who want to comfort me. I unintentionally break everything I touch when they get too close.”</p><p>“Try me.”</p><p>Over the next hour I learn what this time of year is to her. Through tears she tells me of her memory of a man, not unlike myself, that haunts her. A memory of the worst time in her life before she lost the one true love of her life. The memory and regret of the event that forced our paths to cross. And most recently the slamming of the door on a dream she never thought she wanted with a man who meant the universe to her. This time of year was the darkest for her. This was when all the demons came out to play and she was as much of a danger to herself as she was to anyone who came across her path. I’m sure if I cross referenced with the database, this would be the time of year that she made her most radical and dangerous choices.</p><p>As she lets the final weight off her chest she begins to stand and walk towards the water. Away from the prying firelight and me. As I watch her walk away in silence, I realize that until tonight, no one knew the extent that this woman had gone through to get to here. No one knew what made her tick the way she did. I stand up quietly and approach her. She’s quietly sobbing and I can tel that she’s mortified. She’s just bared the ugliest part of her soul to man that has spent no more than a day maybe 2 with her at a time. </p><p>I come to stand in front of her. I place a finger under her chin and have her look up at me. She closes her eyes and I can see the sadness, shame and guilt written all over her face. With every ounce of courage I have and every bit of comfort I can give I remember her to look at me.</p><p>“You are made up of all of these moments and memories. The scars are there to use as armor. The feelings are there to make you human. And the memories are there to help you not forget that you are strong. Life hasn’t always been kind to you. You have been dealt the hardest deck of cards, most men would fold and lose it all. But your story is so much more than those things.”</p><p>“Mike... I’m just... so tired.  I can’t...”</p><p>I catch a tear as it falls down her cheek and then another. The dam is beginning to burst and she silences a sob. I gather her in my arms and her knees begin to buckle as she loses the fight to be strong tonight. As I pick her up and begin to walk back to her room, I realize that I have no idea where her access card is to her room. I gently ask her if it’s ok if I take her back to my room. She nods and continues to sob against my shoulder. We make our way to my room and she quiets down. I think she’s asleep finally.</p><p>I open my suite and take her into the bedroom and gently lay her down. I pull the throw blanket over her and begin to make my way toward the living area to make up the couch when I feel her hand catch mine. I turn back and look at her.</p><p>“Stay. Please. Just for tonight.”</p><p>“I don’t think that’s a good idea Kathryn.”</p><p>“Please.” She begs. “I just need to be held.”</p><p>I carefully look at her and see the desperation written all over her face. I walk around and crawl into bed behind her after I’ve kicked off my shoes. I spoon up behind her, place my arm under her pillow and my other hand foes around her waist. </p><p>Before she nods off to sleep I hear her whisper, “I haven’t been held in 4 years. Of everything I miss, I miss human touch. I miss this.”</p><p>With that she’s fast asleep. </p><p>In the morning, there will be awkward conversation and looks, but for now I’ll hold her.</p>
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